Things I'd Like to be Able to Do

1. Dance like Britney Spears. I mean, come on. Scandals, periodic head shavings and crappy choices in life partners aside, she's amazing. Okay, I'll take more than just dancing like her. I'll take her fearless ability to give the finger to the media and the crowds who diss her at the same time that they lick her thigh-high bootheels. She is unapologetic about her persona and sticks up for herself. Most North American women can't say that much – and certainly not at 28. (I suppose I wouldn't complain if I woke up looking like her, either.)
2. Sing like Sarah McLachlan. I've tried for more than a decade now, to the amusement and chagrin of drivers all around me. But, lacking opera training, an eight-octave range and the vocal cords of an angel, I have ungraciously accepted that I will always sound like a frog in comparison. But I can still enjoy the goosebumps I get nearly every time I listen to her.
3. Write like Bill Bryson. He's observant, self-deprecating, and pee-your-pants funny: I am not, I regret to say, a discreet and fetching sleeper. Most people when they nod off look as if they could do with a blanket; I look as if I could do with medical attention. I sleep as if injected with a powerful experimental muscle relaxant... From time to time, like one of those nodding-duck toys, my head tips forward to empty a quart or so of viscous drool onto my lap, then falls back to begin loading again with a noise like a toilet cistern filling... I wake up to find that all motion within 500 feet has stopped and all children under eight are clutching their mothers' hems. It is a terrible burden to bear. It's such a rare gift to have this kind of imagery at the tips of one's fingers. And that's what good writing is all about: creating images in the reader's mind. 
4. Politick like Arlene Dickinson. She's calm under pressure and respectful of the fragile egos that surround her in the Dragon's Den. She speaks her mind authentically and is careful not to imbue her language or tone with excess emotion. (In the world of business, the poker face is usually the one that wins. Think about it: how many emotionally expressive – or excessive – business leaders do you know? We want our leaders to be strong, decisive and devoid of hysteria. Peter Mansbridge, not Don Imus.)
5. Flirt like Joan Holloway. Do I even have to elaborate?